On Edge

December 7, 2004 § 1 Comment

The nerves have been close to the surface of late. There is too much to do and not enough time and never enough money and the surly, rebellious teenager in me is rising up like a scream. I think she wants to play. Or fuck. Or start a band.

I attended a book launch the other night, and in the middle of the reading I was struck almost breathless with wanting the stage. At first, it was just a slight yearning, as when one fondly remembers a good meal or a warm day. Then, it crept into my limbs like an ache, spreading out under the surface of the skin. Then, in an instant, it surged in me like desire surges: the pure, blind need to perform.

I have since realized that everything I write is meant to be voiced. Essays are meant to be lectures. Blog posts are meant to be stories. Emails are meant to be late-night phone conversations, or dialogue in a play. Suddenly, I want this as much as warmth or food or sex, but there is no corporeality in anything I do.

Last night, I dreamt that I was swimming with Spalding Gray. I shudder to think what this means.


§ One Response to On Edge

  • Anonymous says:

    Will you listen to her? And maybe go do a reading somewhere in a little smokey cafe.

    Have beed discussing “revisitation” with Mark afair bit lately. Fortunately it’s a spiral and not a desire to cling to disappearing youth.

    All of a sudden it’s 10 years ago. He’s in a punk rock band again. I’m in an art band again.

    The fabulous thing about Gen X is that we really won’t all be assimilated, unlike the baby-boomers.
    Our true legacy is about to unfold. Funky chicks in their 40’s.

    You can neither win nor lose if you don’t run the race.

    Maz FuSiOn

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