For your amusement (’cause we all could use some)

Today, while in a meeting with a Very Important Person, I reached into a small, zippered pocket inside my purse to produce my business card. Yes, I have a business card. I know. Ridiculous.

In any case, just as I was about to hand the card to the VIP, I realized that a condom I had completely forgotten about had somehow become attached to the underside of said card. An unused condom, I should add. Fuck, what did you think? Eww. Still, my hand, which was by this time almost fully extended, froze in mid-air.

“Shit, Vila,” I thought, with some desperation. “What the fuck are you going to do about this, you pathetic slut?”

Time slowed to a crawl as I curled my outermost fingers underneath the card, shielding the wayward sheath from the VIP’s view. The item thus cupped, I tried to gently pry it away from the surface of the card with my pinky. The condom package crinkled audibly.

“Fucking hell. I must be the only person on earth that this has ever happened to.”

An eternity and much crinkling later, I managed to dislodge the condom from the card, which then fell lightly into the palm of my hand. Brilliant, except now I had a Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive (I try to be thoughtful) nestled in the hand that was still awkwardly offering a business card to a VIP.

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Okay, Vila, whatever you do, just don’t break eye contact with her.”

Slowly, I closed my three outermost fingers around the condom as I continued talking to the VIP. I simultaneously tightened my thumb and index finger around the card and rotated my hand counter-clockwise, extending it further in the VIP’s direction. I made a point of smiling as I did so.

“Okay, take it, god damn it! Take the fucking card, already!!”

Smiling, she took it, oblivious to the shame that lay hidden in the folds of my now sweating palm. I, for my part, nearly fainted with relief.

The moral of the story: there is nothing you can’t pretend you’re not doing so long as you maintain eye contact with people. Oh, and always keep your business cards and prophylactics in separate purse pockets. Slut.